


re: Contact

by blameless_nameless



Series: Contact [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, who needs a guy when you can make your dreams come true
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6079146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blameless_nameless/pseuds/blameless_nameless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[HQ Rarepair Exchange 2016]</p><p>On life, friendship, and falling in love more than once.<br/><br/>---<br/>*Note: Endgame pair is akatsuki (part 2).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Storm Without, A Storm Within

**Author's Note:**

> A gift for [Kazuki](http://suzumicchi.tumblr.com) for the [rarepair exchange](http://hqrarepairexchange.tumblr.com)!  
> Sorry I'm garbage and disappeared like. The exact day I was supposed to reveal. Whoops. Hope this makes up for it? Even a little.
> 
> Also, I really really did not expect this result. This got so immensely out of control. It was out of my hands.  
> Not even sorry.
> 
> So, this ended up being a sequel to my very short akatsuki ficlet, [Contact](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4063201), but if you haven't read it (likely) or don't want to (rude), all the necessary background info is here. So yeee.
> 
> Anyway, yeah, I'm on [Tumblr](http://staplesfics.tumblr.com)!

Things happened kind of - fast.

Tsukishima and Hinata’s relationship had always been somewhat rocky. Chalk it up to their conflicting personalities. But in that conflict, they found their rhythm.

Tsukishima gave him plenty of shit, but he really did admire certain things about Hinata. His optimism and determination, his enthusiasm and energy. These are traits Tsukishima did not possess. These are things that were hard for Tsukishima to even wrap his head around, let alone embody, and Hinata made it look so easy. Eventually, it became something of a comfort to Tsukishima. Even in Hinata’s volatility and unpredictability, there was stability, and Tsukishima couldn’t fault him for that.

It took Tsukishima a long time to really feel like he fit in with his teammates. It certainly didn’t help that in large groups, he had a tendency to find a secluded corner away from it all. Too many people would exhaust him, really. So any real progress in his relationships with his teammates happened in smaller groups. Like when they went to Tokyo for camp, and Tsukishima spent his free practice time in the third gym with Hinata and a few players from Tokyo. Maybe they even became his friends - Kuroo-san, who helped him with his blocks; Bokuto-san, who taught him how to have fun with the game; Keij-- no, _Akaashi_ -san, who, over time, became his first love. Throughout their relationship, Tsukishima became less hostile, more open. But he was still Tsukishima Kei, he still had trouble forming real bonds with his teammates. At this time, during his second year of high school, any free time he spent with them - tutoring them, or getting meat buns after practice - was all still mostly obligatory.

And then things with Akaashi got… hard.

He was busy, Tsukishima understood that. He was captain and a third-year student. He had games and practices, but he also had studying and cram school and exams, and Tsukishima understood, he really did. But it still felt like he just disappeared. They were too far apart, in more ways than one, so things inevitably fell apart.

It was Tsukishima who called it off. He’s the one who got annoying and clingy and couldn’t take the separation. It took too much out of him. So, despite all the love he felt for Akaashi, it couldn’t possibly be enough.

In his third year, he at least wasn’t being pulled in too many different directions. Everything important was in Miyagi. That helped him get a handle on things. Yamaguchi helped, too. He always did. Tsukishima didn’t think anyone in the world cared about him as much as Yamaguchi did. But Yamaguchi had his own things, too, so Tsukishima was left to his own devices more frequently than he was used to. He started dwelling on the past too much, he needed to find something to do. A distraction. That’s…

That’s where Hinata came in.

The night it happened, it was the first time Tsukishima had ever _offered_ to help Hinata with his studies. Before, he’d always been compelled to by one thing or another, but this was the first time it was his decision.

That day, storms bore down on Miyagi from dawn to dusk, so when it came time for Hinata to go home, the weather had gotten too bad for him to travel safely. He was still riding that old bike, after all. Tsukishima’s mother was stuck at work, too. He and Hinata were alone in his house.

That shouldn’t have been a problem. It should’ve been irrelevant. But, eventually, their stamina ran out, and they couldn’t study anymore. They had to find something else to do. It was a little awkward at first. They didn’t really know how to be around each other in that kind of setting - no goals, no expectations, just two guys hanging out. They weren’t used to it, Tsukishima especially. Hinata was good about it, though. He sat next to Tsukishima on his bed, pressing his back into the wall, and he didn’t talk. At least for a bit. They sat there for several minutes, just listening to the storm. It made him feel so much more comfortable, and it meant the world to him. Looking back, that was probably the moment he fell in love.

It was still Hinata, though, and his curiosity was unrelenting. When he got tired of sitting silently, he bumped a knee against Tsukishima’s and started asking him questions. About his life, his family, the contents of his room - anything, really, as long as he thought he could learn something about Tsukishima from the answer. Eventually, he asked about music.

“What’s your favorite song?”

Tsukishima had to take a moment to explain why that was the world’s stupidest question, but after he did, he dug his phone out from his bag and plugged in a pair of earbuds to share with Hinata. He showed Hinata a few of his current favorites, and then whatever else he wanted. He leaned into Tsukishima’s arm, dropped his head on his shoulder, and even hummed along to a few songs, once he got a hang of the melody. Tsukishima was a bit shocked by the tranquility. He felt like he was seeing a whole new side of Hinata that he never imagined could exist. He was suddenly acutely aware of his heartbeat, thudding in his ears, never in time with the music.

Hinata pulled his knees into his chest, and Tsukishima found himself reaching out to wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer, deep into his chest. He remembered his pounding heartbeat just a moment too late. Hinata froze momentarily, then pulled back enough to see Tsukishima’s face - or rather, the back of his head. He didn’t want Hinata to see his face. He was sure it had turned a deep red. He could feel his skin burning. And the longer Hinata tried to get his attention, the further the heat spread, up to the tips of his ears, down his neck and into his shirt collar.

But Hinata was so… gentle. Rested his fingertips so lightly on Tsukishima’s cheek, and guided his face back toward himself. Tsukishima looked anywhere but at him. That annoyed him, though, so he pinched Tsukishima’s nose and squeezed, and Tsukishima made a small noise of surprise.

“You would’ve seen that coming if you’d been looking at me,” Hinata said matter-of-factly. “You’re so stubborn.”

That got a small laugh out of Tsukishima. Well, he wasn’t wrong.

“Hey, I wanna try something really quick.” Hinata was using that voice you use when you’re trying to convince yourself that you feel confident. “If you hate it, you have to tell me, okay? Is that alright?”

His hesitance threw Tsukishima off a bit, so he just nodded, deeply fascinated by this new Hinata. He sat up on his ankles, took a deep breath, and whispered a few nervous _“okay”_ s to himself, fists tense on his knees. He flexed his fingers and wiped his palms on his shorts, then returned his fingertips to their place on Tsukishima’s cheek. They were cold.

But then Hinata wasn’t moving, just looking deep into Tsukishima’s eyes, looking _through_ him, it felt like. And Tsukishima wanted to look away, but something wasn’t letting him. So they just sat there, staring at each other. The storm was still raging outside, but it was so still inside his room. Not calm, but still. Until it wasn’t.

Hinata leaned in, closer and closer, until their lips finally touched. That really woke Tsukishima up. He gasped and pulled himself back, just enough to see Hinata’s face. But he didn’t remove his arm, resting across small shoulders. His fingertips brushed across the meat of Hinata’s upper arm - felt like ice compared to his warmth.

It was enough to scare Hinata, though. He frantically waved his hands between the two of them, face flushed, and began apologizing profusely.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it, I’m _sorry_ , I thought there was - something, but there wasn’t, I’m sorry I’m so _stupid_ \--” and on it went. Truthfully, it was driving Tsukishima crazy, but it gave him time to process what had happened without Hinata watching him. He was grateful for that. But then, it was time for Hinata to shut up.

Tsukishima slapped a hand over Hinata’s mouth and held it there until he finally fell silent. Then it was his turn.

“ _I’m_ sorry. You surprised me again.”

Hinata’s eyebrows pulled together, and Tsukishima allowed him to pull his hand away from his face. Allowed him to play with his fingers absently and rub his thumb over the back of his hand. “What does that mean?”

That was a good question. “I don’t know either.”

Hinata took a deep breath and sighed, turning his gaze down to his hands, gripping Tsukishima’s in his lap. Tsukishima watched him carefully. What _did_ it all mean? Did Hinata like him already? Was it just an impulse? Or was he like Tsukishima, and only started feeling it that night? That would explain why he was confused. Or was that regret Tsukishima saw in him? He couldn’t tell. The embarrassment was definitely there, though. It was almost tangible.

But Tsukishima was embarrassed, too. Couldn’t he tell?

Whatever the answers to all these questions were, Tsukishima had made up his mind. He lifted Hinata’s chin, feeling more nervous and hesitant than he’d ever felt before. But they were already past the point of no return. They weren’t close friends to begin with, but even if they were, normal friends don’t behave the way they had that night. Normal friends don’t kiss. So there was no point in chickening out. The line had already been crossed.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous. His pulse was thrumming in his ears, and he could feel every beat of his heart. He _had_ to get a grip. He’d made up his mind. He just had to go for it.

Hinata’s eyes met his, then fluttered shut, and Tsukishima knew he wouldn’t get a chance like this again. He leaned in and pulled Hinata in with him. He’d never seen him so close - his eyelashes, the curve of his nose, every little detail laid out just for him, inexplicably one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen. His eyes fell closed, and his lips met Hinata’s once again.

Neither of them pulled back that time, each savoring the feeling of their lips moving slowly together, finding their rhythm in the rain pounding against the window. But it wasn’t enough. Their fingers entwined in Hinata’s lap, their gentle kiss, their tongues exploring each other’s mouths weren’t enough.

Without breaking any point of contact, Hinata moved closer and tossed a leg over him to sit in his lap. Buried a hand in his curls, pulled their chests together. It was all too much for Tsukishima, but as he slipped a hand under Hinata’s shirt to run up and down his spine, he thought that he never wanted it to end.

Their breathing and heart rates picked up rapidly, and Tsukishima’s stomach jumped up into his ribcage and started doing backflips. He pulled away to kiss a wet trail down Hinata’s jaw to his neck, and Hinata was almost too responsive. He leaned his head back to offer as much skin as possible to Tsukishima, and he was having a hard time controlling his hips. Tsukishima was in trouble - he was trying so hard to show _some_ restraint, but Hinata clearly didn’t want him to. He was biting his bottom lip, and occasionally let small, desperate sounds escape from his throat.

Tsukishima felt a growing strain in the front of his pants, and he couldn’t tell how he felt about that. He tried to slow things down, listing in his head all the reasons this was a Level 10 Bad Idea. Tried to clear his mind of the haze and think about the situation properly, to no avail. He wanted Hinata, and Hinata wanted him, so what was the point of fighting it anymore?

And he quickly came to the conclusion that there wasn’t one.

He lifted his head to face Hinata - meet his eyes, gauge his response, feel his limits. He opened his mouth to say - _something_ , although he didn’t know yet what that may be. Before he could think of anything, the tips of Hinata’s fingers trailed down his chest, pressing gently into his t-shirt. They fell lower and lower, too low, and Tsukishima took in a sharp breath. One of his hands shot down to cover Hinata’s right over his belly button. Their eyes met, but neither of them could tell what the other was thinking or feeling, because they were feeling so _many_ things. So many that they all mixed together into an unreadable mass of emotion, resting heavy in each of their eyes. They would have to use words instead. Hinata started.

“You want to, right?” he murmured, looking deep into Tsukishima’s eyes for signs of hesitation. “Can we?”

Tsukishima swallowed around a soft lump in his throat. “I haven’t… _that_ before - I don’t have anything - or - um--”

Something of a fond smile spread across Hinata’s face. “We don’t have to do all that. I don’t know if I’m - I mean I’ve never - I mean,” Hinata stumbled over his words a little, but got himself together for the end. “We can just mess around a little. Or whatever.”

There had been a massive cloud of tension surrounding them for the past several minutes. The good kind of tension, and the bad kind, all swirling together around their heads. But with Hinata’s words, everything suddenly felt _lighter_. Like all the bad tension had been blown away, leaving only the good tension settling around them. Tsukishima felt significantly calmer, and he smiled and released his grip on Hinata’s hand. He moved his hand forward to mirror Hinata’s position, reaching across mere centimeters to tug lightly at his waistband.

*

They… had sex that night.

Well, not _real_ sex. Y’know. But the result was the same. They started dating that night, and Tsukishima was quite honestly the happiest in the months they spent together that he’d ever been. He loved Hinata. He loved spending time with him. He loved those quiet moments they’d sometimes share when they were alone. He loved kissing him, and holding him, and everything else about being with him.

It’s not like it was perfect. The things that made them not get along before were still there, they were the same people they’d always been. So they fought sometimes, like every couple does, but it was certainly less frequent, partly because they understood each other better than before, and partly because they both liked being together far more than they hated whatever stupid thing the fight was about.

But the closer they got to graduation, the more stressed they became, and the more frequently they fought. They were, without a doubt, separating after high school. Hinata was going to follow Kageyama and throw himself into training for the national team, and Tsukishima was going to college. He didn’t know for sure which one. He had a few options. But in the back of his mind, he knew where he was going from the very beginning. Tokyo.

Hinata was convinced that wouldn’t be a problem. But Tsukishima was scared. All he could think about was things going sour with Akaashi. No matter how many times Hinata tried to comfort him, told him they weren’t the same, things didn’t _have_ to turn out the same way - all Tsukishima could see was Akaashi. He knew himself rather well after all these years. Hinata wasn’t the problem. _He_ was. He could already feel the bitterness and jealousy and distrust bubbling up inside him.

It was bound to end, and it was bound to be ugly. Hinata didn’t deserve that, and Tsukishima couldn’t bear to put that kind of pressure on him.

So, the night after graduation, Tsukishima put an end to it.

They both loved each other, neither wanted the end. But he did it anyway.

It hurt to leave things unfinished that way. But he did it anyway.

It… was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is part one of two. Since it ended up so long, I can totally see myself having gotten lost in it and not noticing things that don't make sense, simple mistakes, all that. So! Feel free to tell me if I screwed up hella.  
> Thanks for reading! <3


	2. Gratitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah-hah-hah remember that time I disappeared off the face of the planet without warning right when exchange reveals were happening?
> 
> Yeah, me neither.
> 
> Anyway, as promised, part two!  
> As always, I do have one of those [Tumbly](http://staplesfics.tumblr.com) things. Do what you will with that information.

In the back of his mind, Tsukishima wonders if he chose Tokyo because of Akaashi - questions his decision until the day he leaves. An overwhelming sense of panic spreads through his body, all the way to his shaking fingertips - that he voluntarily came to the same university Akaashi attends. Because it’s so lame and _obvious_ , Akaashi will realize _right away_ that Tsukishima’s not over him - which could be fine, but more likely, it would just be obvious and awkward and _pathetic_ , right?  
  
Surely Akaashi will laugh in his face. No doubt about it. Not a single one. Tsukishima should just literally bury himself. Whatever.  
  
But, he told himself, the odds of running into him on such a large campus were practically nil. How many thousands of students went to school there? Not to mention professors and other university employees.  
  
It was that idea that gave him the confidence to even walk out his door that first morning, and every morning after. And it worked pretty well for him for a little while - until a couple of weeks into the semester.  
  
It was a Wednesday. Just a regular Wednesday, and Tsukishima needed lunch after a morning of classes. As much as he’d like to break the monotony of cafeteria food day after day, he couldn’t bring himself to do anything else. He was tired, it’d been a long morning, and he just wanted some noodle soup. So that’s where he went. And he stood in line, and he bought his food, and he scanned the cafeteria for a seat. But instead of finding a lonely seat where he could enjoy a quiet meal, he found something - some _one_ \- familiar, standing with a tray only a few yards away.  
  
Before he could process anything, or turn and hide, the familiar someone’s head turned in his direction, face lit up in recognition. And he was spotted. Caught. Trapped.  
  
Tsukishima’s pulse pounded in his ears, and he couldn’t so much as move his pinky toe. So he just waited there in place and watched as his ex-boyfriend - the one he’d _followed_ to Tokyo - approached him.  
  
“Tsukishima!” Akaashi was clearly surprised, but he didn’t seem to be disappointed. Tsukishima decided to take that as a good sign. That is, until his voice became cautious, and his demeanor hesitant. “You… came to Tokyo?”  
  
“... Yeah.” Tsukishima suddenly found the rim of his bowl to be the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.  
  
Akaashi dipped his head a bit. “Why?”  
  
Tsukishima looked around. “Uh, university?”  
  
“Well, yeah, but - y’know. I thought you might stay away.”  
  
“Why would I do that? You’re just a person, it’s not a big deal.” He hated the bitter taste lies left on his tongue. “It’s been like a year, Akaashi.”  
  
“R-right, of course. I just - thought you’d stay in Miyagi.”  
  
“Yeah, well. I didn’t.”  
  
“Right. Since you’re here and all.”  
  
“Yeah.” Tsukishima was gripping his tray too tightly. His knuckles turned white. They both fell silent for a moment.  
  
“Well, I mean - it’s been a while. You wanna, um, catch up? Or whatever? We could eat together or something.”  
  
“Yeah, okay. I mean I don’t really care either way, but if you want to, that’s fine.”  
  
Akaashi smiled sadly. Was that - longing?  
  
“Don’t be so tsun about it, Kei.” Tsukishima’s heart gave one powerful thump at that. Using his first name like that - it wasn’t fair. “I missed you, y’know?”  
  
Tsukishima just turns red and looks down. “I guess I kinda missed you, too, Keiji.”  
  
It was Akaashi’s turn to blush. “Well, uh, I need something to drink - go grab a table for us?”  
  
Tsukishima just hums his acknowledgement and finds a small, round table by the back wall of the cafeteria, one of the less populated areas. He sets down his tray, but hesitates to sit. He still had time to run away. It was tempting, but… What would happen next time they bumped into each other? It was bound to happen again. What then? Would he have to keep running away every time it happened?  
  
He didn’t want to.  
  
It was that thought that finally pushed him down into his chair. He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. He was having a very hard time trying to figure out how he should feel about this. Was he lucky, or very, very unlucky? Only time would tell, he supposed.  
  
He waited for Akaashi to sit before he started eating. Neither spoke for a while. They just ate in silence, occasionally peeking up at each other across the table. It was all so painfully awkward. They must look like idiots. But Tsukishima’s mind was blank. He couldn’t even come up with any basic small talk. The words wouldn’t take form in his head. So, Akaashi spoke first.  
  
“So, uh. How’ve you been?”  
  
How’s he _been?_  
  
“Y’know. Fine.”  
  
“No, I mean it, Kei. How was your third year? How are things going for you here? Tokyo can be rough for a country boy such as yourself.”  
  
Tsukishima rolled his eyes, but suddenly felt very heavy. Things were different, vastly so, but it really hadn’t been very long since… graduation. “Third year was fine. Normal, I mean. Nothing interesting. And Tokyo’s just a place. I’m fine.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
Tsukishima’s eyes flicked up to meet Akaashi’s over the frames of his glasses. “Yeah.”  
  
Akaashi didn’t seem to believe him. That was fine. He didn’t really need to.  
  
“You studying archaeology? You always seemed to want to.”  
  
He perked up slightly as that. “You remembered?”  
  
That earned him a quiet laugh. “Of course I did, stupid.” Akaashi seemed fascinated by his food, moving it around with his chopsticks, but not picking anything up. “You’re still really important to me, y’know. That won’t change. Not ever.”  
  
Why did those words _sting_ so badly? Tsukishima felt like crying, and he was sure it was showing on his face, so he didn’t lift his head. Just kept staring at his food, trying to remember how to move, how to speak.  
  
“Kei?” Akaashi prodded timidly, trying to get a peek at Tsukishima’s face.  
  
And that was all it took. Heavy tears blocked his vision, before finally breaking free and streaming down his face. He yanked his glasses off in frustration. He heard a quiet _“shit”_ from across the table. Not a moment later, Akaashi had pulled his chair around the table to Tsukishima’s side. He took Tsukishima’s glasses, folded them, and set them on the table, then started pressing napkins into his face. Tsukishima tried to help, but his arms were heavy and weak and shaking, so he let them fall to his lap, utterly useless. Akaashi kept whispering something to him, but it took him some time to focus on the words enough to make it out. When he did, he realized how… frantic Akaashi sounded. He was touching Tsukishima so gently, wiping his tears and running his fingertips up and down his back, all while endless apologies tumbled from his mouth. His voice was shaking just a little bit, but he’d managed to hold himself together significantly better than Tsukishima had.  
  
They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, while Tsukishima put real effort into calming himself down. His tears slowed and he regained some strength in his arms.  
  
When he had finally pulled himself together, Akaashi wiped dried tears from Tsukishima’s lenses, then stood to clear their table. Tsukishima cleaned himself up until Akaashi had finished, then they gathered their things and made their way outside, into the pale spring sun. It was only then that Akaashi spoke again.  
  
“Do you have any more classes today?”  
  
Tsukishima shook his head.  
  
“Okay. Then you’re gonna come with me for a bit.”  
  
Tsukishima stopped in his tracks and shook his head stiffly.  
  
Akaashi sighed heavily. “ _No_ isn’t an option here, Kei. It should be obvious now - we can’t just ignore this. We need to talk about things properly.”  
  
Tsukishima wanted to refuse, but he knew Akaashi was right. If he walked away then, things would only get worse. So he just nodded and walked with Akaashi, wherever it was he wanted to take them.  
  
A bit of walking and a short train ride later, they were climbing the stairs of some apartment building. They stopped in front of a grey door on the second floor, and Akaashi pulled a key from his bag to unlock it. The door swung open, and Akaashi stepped aside to let Tsukishima in first. Tsukishima made his way inside, stepped out of his shoes, and sat cross-legged at the small table on the floor. Akaashi asked if he wanted anything to drink. Tsukishima just shook his head again. Akaashi brought them both water anyway. He seated himself across from Tsukishima, rubbed his hands over his face, pressed his fingertips into the corners of his eyes, and leaned over the table, chin propped up on the heel of his hand. He watched closely while Tsukishima tugged at his fingers. Finally, he spoke.  
  
“So. What was that all about?”  
  
Silence filled the room while Tsukishima tried to figure out… how to answer. “Is it okay for you to just bring me over like this? Don’t you have a girlfriend or anything?”  
  
Akaashi sighed again. “How many times do I need to explain to you just how gay I am before it finally gets through your thick skull?” Tsukishima kept his eyes downcast, so Akaashi continued. “But I know what question you were really trying to ask there. The answer is no. It’s just me here. Just us.”  
  
Something in Tsukishima’s shoulders relaxed. “What about - um -”  
  
“This past year? A couple of hookups. Nothing serious.”  
  
Tsukishima winced. He felt as though he’d been slapped. Akaashi could say it so easily…  
  
“Your turn.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“You asked me. Now it’s your turn.”  
  
Tsukishima didn’t want to answer. Just hearing about Akaashi being with someone else for a single night took so much out of him. How would he react when Tsukishima told him that he _fell in love_ again?  
  
“I’d rather not.” he mumbled.  
  
“I’d rather you did.” When Tsukishima didn’t answer right away, he prodded him again. “Are you seeing someone?”  
  
Tsukishima’s skin was on fire. He took a moment, then answered. “No. There was just one person. We broke up right after graduation.”  
  
“So recently. I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine. It was inevitable.”  
  
“Was it?”  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
“It would’ve been long-distance with this person, right?”  
  
Akaashi hit the nail on the head. Dammit. “... Yeah.”  
  
“You didn’t break up because you stopped loving each other, though. Am I right? You were just scared.”  
  
“Of _course_ I was scared. Since we turned out so damn well.”  
  
“I’m fully aware of what happened with us, Kei, but thanks for the reminder.” There was a deep hurt hidden behind his bitter response. Tsukishima forced away the guilt building in the pit of his stomach before he lost his nerve.  
  
“My pleasure.” Tsukishima spat, more aggressively than he’d intended. His fist was white on his knee.  
  
All the anger seemed to fly out of Akaashi’s body, leaving behind all his disappointment and regret. “I never wanted it to be like this, y’know. Never thought you could hate me this much.”  
  
“It’s not like that. It’s not like I hate you.”  
  
“Gee, thanks.”  
  
“Don’t be an ass, Keiji.”  
  
“Don’t be an ass, Kei.”  
  
They were both trying very hard to be angry, but there was no conviction behind their glares. Only sadness and pain and longing. Soon, their expressions relaxed involuntarily, and they were left staring at each other, trying to figure out the next step forward. Akaashi lifted his knees and wrapped his arms around them.  
  
“I’ll be honest with you, I have no idea what to do next. Everything I think of feels wrong.” He looked up at Tsukishima. “What do we do now?”  
  
“What else _can_ we do but keep… talking?”  
  
But instead, they just kept watching each other silently for a while. As usual, Akaashi was the one to break the silence.  
  
“You… you were _crying_ , Kei. In public. That’s not like you at all.”  
  
“Excellent observation.” Tsukishima mumbled, more out of embarrassment than irritation.  
  
“Why?”  
  
Tsukishima watched his hands in his lap. He’d started pulling on his fingertips again. “It’s personal.”  
  
“Obviously it’s _personal_.”  
  
Silence.  
  
“It’s about me, right? Something I said or - did?”  
  
Silence.  
  
Akaashi leaned forward over the table and reached out to lift Tsukishima’s chin. “You have to talk to me, Kei, I’m begging you.” His voice shook, and there were tears forming in the corners of his eyes.  
  
“It’s none of your business.”  
  
Tears broke free and fell down Akaashi’s face. He was fighting the growing thickness in his voice. “Don’t you dare lie to me. It has _everything_ to do with me, doesn’t it?”  
  
Tsukishima didn’t answer. His eyes were prickling again.  
  
“ _Doesn’t_ \--?”  
  
“Of _course_ it does! That doesn’t make it your business.”  
  
“What kind of sense does that make? If it’s something I did, let me try to _fix_ it.”  
  
“It’s not your job to fix it. I did this to myself, Keiji. It doesn’t concern you.”  
  
“You - how do you not understand? I’m _concerned_ , so it _concerns_ me.”  
  
Tsukishima couldn’t think of anything to say to that.  
  
“Why won’t you look at me? I’m right in front of you, and you’re so determined not to see me.” His voice shook and cracked. It hurt Tsukishima that he had to hear it.  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut and braced himself for what came next. He felt a stupid, _stupid_ question forcing its way up his throat. He couldn’t swallow it, couldn’t fight it off. He didn’t want to say it, he didn’t _choose_ to say it, but the words came out anyway.  
  
“Do y-- Do you love me?”  
  
They both froze, eyes wide, and Tsukishima lost all the color in his face. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even lift his head. Akaashi wasn’t saying anything, not a word. Tsukishima couldn’t face him. It was too embarrassing, too _scary_. But there was no escape. He tried desperately to find an explanation, an excuse - even a punchline would be better than waiting for the answer to his stupid, _stupid_ question.  
  
“... Yes.”  
  
Tsukishima’s head snapped up. “W-what?”  
  
Akaashi rubbed the back of his neck, his eyebrows pulled together in the middle, and opened his mouth to speak. But he hadn’t thought of the words yet. The room was silent, utterly silent but for their blood pounding in their ears. Akaashi forced his breathing to slow, and finally put his thoughts together.  
  
“I never stopped. Loving you, I mean. I never stopped.”  
  
Tsukishima couldn’t quite - couldn’t _understand_. He’d been _awful_ to Akaashi. So hostile near the end of their relationship, and the breakup was… cruel. Without warning or even a proper explanation. Tsukishima _hated_ himself for his behavior toward the boy he was supposed to love.  
  
“Why?”  
  
Akaashi processed that for a moment. “Why do I love you?”  
  
_Those_ words again. “No - why didn’t you stop?”  
  
“It doesn’t work that w--” Akaashi sounded… offended. Almost angry. “Love is permanent, Kei. I mean… Did you ever stop loving me?”  
  
“N-no,” he said, almost defensively. “It’s not the same. You never did anything wrong.”  
  
“Neither did you.”  
  
“I was _horrible_ to you!”  
  
“You did what anyone would do. You were unhappy and I wasn’t there. You did nothing wrong.”  
  
“I _did_ , though! I did. You deserve so much better.” His head fell into hands.  
  
Across the table, Akaashi took a deep breath and released it slowly. He pushed off the ground, walked around the table, and lowered himself to the floor behind Tsukishima. Sat on his heels, wrapped his arms around Tsukishima’s chest, gripping a handful of his shirt in each hand. Pressed his chest into Tsukishima’s back, his cheek into his shoulder, and just breathed. Slow, steady breaths, and a slow, steady heartbeat. Stability.  
  
“Let go, Keiji.”  
  
Akaashi ignored him, so he squirmed feebly, trying, though half-heartedly, to pry himself free of Akaashi’s arms.  
  
“ _Please_ stop. I don’t deserve--”  
  
Akaashi only squeezed tighter. “Stop trying to decide what everyone deserves. You’ve gotten lost in it. Just - come back. It _hurts_ to see you like this, Kei.”  
  
Fresh tears formed in his eyes. He’d hurt Akaashi again. Again.  
  
Akaashi’s words echoed in his head. He couldn’t seem to get enough air in his lungs - only enough to whisper a quiet apology into his hands.  
  
He felt Akaashi’s breath on his neck as he whispered, “It’s okay. It’s all okay. Just come back.”  
  
Tsukishima moved to turn in place - to face Akaashi. When he lifted his head, Akaashi stretched out his arms. An invitation. A reminder that Tsukishima still had a place in his arms - would _always_ have a place in his heart. A place to belong, to come back to at the end of a long day, a place where he would never be unwelcome. No matter what. Unconditional, absolute love.  
  
Tsukishima’s chest felt full, felt like his heart might burst as he moved forward to claim his place. He collapsed into Akaashi’s chest. Slung his arms around his neck and released a long, heavy, shaking breath, shedding some weight from his shoulders along with it. Akaashi just rubbed Tsukishima’s back and slowly, gently - _so_ gently kissed whatever parts of him that he could. His shoulder, his neck, the top of his head. Just sat with him in silence and let him breathe. Let him be, until he felt okay again.  
  
Tsukishima had read somewhere that love is gratitude. That the two were so closely intertwined as to be indistinguishable from one another. That you couldn’t have one without the other, and that the intersection of the two was where you would find real, true love.  
  
As he lifted his head to face Akaashi, he thought that whoever had come up with all that was probably onto something. He’d never felt this kind of gratitude before - nor as _much_.  
  
Grateful that Akaashi was so willing to forgive him. Grateful that he was able to come to Tokyo. To the same university as Akaashi. Grateful that they ran into each other, and that he’d had the courage to follow Akaashi. That he’d been invited to follow him in the first place.  
  
Grateful that they’d even been able to meet three years earlier.  
  
It was overwhelming, almost scary. But there was nothing at all scary in Akaashi’s eyes, so that’s where his gaze remained.  
  
And Akaashi smiled softly, and caught Tsukishima’s cheek in his hand, cradled it so gently in his palm. Ran his thumb across Tsukishima’s lip with the lightest touch.  
  
Tsukishima gripped the hair on the back of Akaashi’s neck. He felt so vulnerable - exposed. But he was determined to tell Akaashi - determined to make him _hear_ his words and understand every emotion behind them, what they meant. He _needed_ Akaashi to understand. Before his courage ran out.  
  
“Keiji.” Tsukishima’s voice cracked, but came back strong for the end. “I love you.”  
  
Akaashi’s brows pulled together like he was holding back tears, but spread out below was the widest, brightest, _stupidest_ smile Tsukishima had ever seen up close. Akaashi pulled him closer and laid kisses over every inch of his face - his cheeks, his forehead, his _nose_ , for god’s sake - and Tsukishima couldn’t help but laugh. Pushed at Akaashi’s shoulders until he was captured yet again, and Akaashi pressed their foreheads together, that giddy smile still plastered across his face. And he just held him like that for a bit, until some of the flush in his face died down.  
  
“I love you, too,” he breathed, his eyes falling shut. Tsukishima muttered something about Akaashi being an idiot, and his eyes closed, too.  
  
He couldn’t really tell what happened next - whether he leaned in, or whether it was Akaashi. Or maybe is was just a powerful magnetic force between the two of them - involuntary, instinctive, irresistible. But he knew how it felt, and it felt _right_. Natural. Fated, even. As if he would’ve ended up there, tangled together on the floor of Akaashi’s cramped apartment, no matter what he did. Inevitable.  
  
So how could he resist Akaashi’s touch? _Why_ would he? He remembered the feeling, two years dormant, of Akaashi’s lips on his. And he savored the whisper of the feeling, and held the memory close - and then he let it go. He would never need it again.  
  
And then their lips met.

*

“So,” Akaashi started, rubbing the back of Tsukishima’s hand with his thumb. “How was Hinata?”

Tsukishima looked sideways at him, one eyebrow raised slightly. “It’s not like we got to have a long discussion about life trajectory and days past. It was in-and-out, and the rest of the team was there anyway.”

Akaashi continued to watch him, expectantly.

Tsukishima sighed heavily. “He just played in the Olympics. How do you _think_ he’s doing?”

“Pretty good, probably.”

“See? You’ve got the idea.”

Akaashi was silent for a moment.

“I can’t believe you dated an Olympic athlete!”

“He wasn’t an Olympic athlete at the time.”

“So?”

“So it doesn’t count.”

“As if that makes it any less cool? Besides, now I can brag to everybody that you chose me over an Olympic athlete!”

Tsukishima chuckled softly. “Don’t you think you’re bending the truth just a little bit?”

Akaashi smiled at his feet, then suddenly turned contemplative. He leaned into Tsukishima’s shoulder. “It was nice of him to invite me, too.”

“What’re you talking about? Of course he would.”

But Akaashi still seemed unsure.

“Come on, you know how he is. Whatever grudge you think he’s got against you is all in your head. He _really_ admired you in high school. He still does.”

Akaashi was having a hard time coming up with an answer to that. “You young’uns and your kind words.”

“We’re like a year younger than you.”

“Doesn’t make you less of a young’un.”

“You’re an idiot.”

They fell silent again, and Akaashi squeezed Tsukishima’s fingers in his.

“Will you thank him for me anyway?”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Of course I will.”

Going home that night was one of the most satisfying experiences of Tsukishima’s life. The whole day had been exciting - watching the idiots play together on the national team, like they always insisted they would. Catching up with the high school team - their faces when he showed up with Akaashi in tow. And good god, the _crowds_. Exciting but exhausting.

So when their apartment door clicked shut behind them, a sense of warmth washed over him and filled his body. They kicked off their shoes, and Akaashi pulled him into their bedroom - into their bed, and under the blankets. And Tsukishima complained about the heat, but in the end he just pulled Akaashi close and kissed him softly and slowly until they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was alright! Esp given the whole disappearing act thing. I am very sorry.  
> I feel like I'm just very bad at anything involving other people. That may seem unrelated, but it's not.  
> Well! *salutes*


End file.
